The one with the Sharks (Extended Versions)
WRITTEN BY : Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Transcribed by [unknown].
Further revisions and extended DVD content added (in blue) by Darcy Partridge.
[Scene: Ross is in central perk Phoebe comes in]
Phoebe: Oh, hey, Ross! Oh, I'm so glad someone's here. Could you zip me up?
Ross: Uh, sure!
Phoebe: Thank you. Can you believe no one between my apartment and here offered to do that for me?
Ross: People! (shakes head, they sit) So, uh, why're you so dressed up?
Phoebe: Oh, uh, Mike's picking me up for a date.
Ross: Oh yeah? Now how's that going, is it getting serious?
Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I mean, you know, I like him. But, you know, am I ready to take my Grade-A loins off the meat market? I'm not quite sure.
Ross: You know, I-I really admire your-your whole dating attitude. It's so healthy! I'm always, like, is this moving to fast? Is this moving to slow? Where-where's this going?
Phoebe: Yeah. I know. You are a bit of a drama queen.
Ross: Well, you, your're so much better off, you know. You just go from guy to guy, having fun and not worrying that it never turns into anything serious.
Phoebe: I wouldn't say, "never." You know, there was that guy... Okay, well what about... Okay, well there's gotta be someone.
Ross: (Encouragingly) There isn't, that's what I'm saying.
Phoebe: Oh, my God, you're right.
Ross: I know, and yet here you are all ready for the next date!
Phoebe: I can't believe I never realized this before! I'm in my 30s and I've never been in a long-term relationship? Oh, my God, what's wrong with me
Ross: No, no no, no, um, there's-there's nothing wrong with you. I mean, you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married, anyway.
Phoebe: (Crying) I wanna get married!
Ross: Please, please don't cry because of me! I... Pheebs, I don't know what I'm talking about. Hey, I've been divorced three times!.
Phoebe: Well, at least you've been married. Oh, my God! I wanna trade lives with Ross?
Mike: (Entering) Phoebe! What's wrong?
Phoebe: Nothing. I'm excited about our date! Mike, this is Ross Geller. Ross, this is Mike Haaaaana... (cries more)
Ross: Sorry, I didn't catch it.
Mike: It's Mike Hanigan
Ross: Oh, Ross Geller
Mike: Hey. (To Phoebe) So are you sure you're ready to go?
Phoebe: Mm-hm! (Turns to Ross.) How do I look? (Her make-up has gone everywhere.)
Ross: Do you have a compact in your purse?
Phoebe: No!
Ross: You look great!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica enters Central Perk]
Monica: Hey, Joey!
Joey: Hey! This girl won't turn around and I can't tell whether she's hot or not, what do you think?
Monica: Joey, I am not going to objectify woman with you! (Looks at the woman.) But if her face is as nice as her ass, woo mama!
Joey: All right, thanks. Oh, hey, have you talked to Chandler?
Monica: Yeah, he has to stay in Tulsa this weekend.
Joey: How come?
Monica: I don't know, he has to work, there's some big rush on the.... Uh, dammit, one of these days I'm gonna have to start listening when he talks about his job.
Joey: Hey, why don't you fly out there and surprise him?
Monica: Oh, I'd love to, I really miss him! But I can't. I have one day off and it's just too expensive.
Joey: Interesting. So Chandler's not worth the price of a plane ticket to you. Hmmm!
Monica: Oh course he is! Maybe I will go! Yeah, we'll have a little second honeymoon at the Tulsa Ramada.
Joey: Oh, and you know what you should bring? Your black see-through teddy with the attached garters!
Monica: How do you know I have one of those?
Joey: Didn't until just now.
(Monica walks off and Joey looks back at the girl from earlier)
Joey: Oh, hot? Not hot? (She turns around.) Hot!
Hayley: Excuse me?
Joey: Uh, I, uh, I said that I think you're hot... and, uh, now I'm embarrassed.
Hayley: Oh, I, uh, thought you said, "Hi."
Joey: That would've been better. I'll try that. Hi! I-I'm Joey.
Hayley: I'm Hayley.
Joey: Oh! Uh, look, I don't normally ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses...
Gunther: Ha!
Joey: (turns to Gunther) Gesundheit! (Back to Hayley) But... Wow, this is hard. I'm kind of shy.
Gunther: P-Ha!
Joey: (turns to Gunther) Seriously, Gunther, you should see someone about that cold! It if gets much worse, you could die! (Gunther nods. Joey turns back to Hayley). Anyway...
Hayley: I would love to go out with you.
Joey: Really? Great! Did I... did I actually ask you?
Hayley: Oh, um, that's just where you were going and I figured I'd help you out. You don't seem like the kind of guy who does this a lot.
Joey: Ha-ha! (Realized he shouldn't laugh) Ugh! (Disguises a cough)! Dammit, Gunther, you gave it to me!
[NOTE: In the original NBC broadcast, these 2 lines occur here (but were used earlier in the extended DVD version)]
[
[ Gunther: P-Ha!
[
[ Joey: Seriously, Gunther, you should see someone about that cold! If it gets much worse, you could die!]
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She is opening her door to Ross, who arrives with 2 corndogs.]
Phoebe: (Disappointed) Oh, it's you.
Ross: With vegetarian corndogs! (She scowls at him.) Come on, Pheebs, I just want to talk to you!
Phoebe: Oh, about what? How few ova I have left?
Ross: Come on, I-I just want to apologize for what happened yesterday. (Makes the corndogs talk to each other) "I'm sorry, Phoebe! That's okay, Ross!" (Make kissing motions and sounds between the corndogs. Phoebe is not entertained.) So, how'd the, uh, date go?
Phoebe: Well, it was awful. I barely go through dinner, okay? Every time I thought about what you said, I started crying. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he spent most of the night just staring at me in horror. But, you know, I couldn't know for sure because my eyes were swollen shut!
Ross: Pheebs, you know I wasn't trying to make you cry! I-I was really trying to say something nice! I mean, I-I was basically saying, even though you've never been in a serious relationship...
Phoebe: Are we really gonna do this again?
Ross: Sorry. So he hasn't called?
Phoebe: Would you call this girl: (Talks while fake sobbing:) "Thanks for... a lovely... evening..."
Ross: Now I feel terrible. This is all my fault.
Phoebe: Well, you now what you should feel terrible about? This could have been my serious guy! He was... he was sweet and smart and funny. Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?
Ross: We are a rare breed.
(Phone rings)
Ross: Hey, hey, maybe that's him!
Phoebe: (Picking up phone) Hello? (Listens.) Could you hold on one sec? (To Ross) I need some privacy.
Ross: Is it Mike?
Phoebe: No, it's a heavy breather. I'll take what I can get! (Back on phone) I'm listening.
[Scene: Joey is back at Hayley's Apartment]
Hayley: What a great dinner!
Joey: Yeah, and, hey, thanks again for letting me having that last piece of cake at the restaurant.
Hayley: (laughs) You're welcome again. I'm gonna go make some coffee can I get you anything?
Joey: Uh, do you have any cake?
(Hayley laughs and goes into the kitchen thinking it's a joke, Joey doesn't see what's so funny about it)
Joey's Thoughts: So this is going pretty good! Dinner was nice, got a lot in common. (Sees a magazine) Ooh, Victoria's Secret. Huh, we even like the same books. (Walks over to a painting on the wall) Oh, there's a scary painting. Wait a minute. I think I've been scared by that painting before. (Looks around) You know what? This whole place looks familiar! I have definitely been in this apartment. I know I've seen this weird plant before! (It's a cactus and he touches it.) Ow! It did that the last time! Oh, my god, I've gone out with this girl before! Yeah, we had sex on this couch and then on that chair and... No, no we didn't do it here, which is weird because it seems like a perfectly good place. (Bends down to check, and the cactus pricks him in the ass.)
Joey: Ow! That's why.
[Scene: Mike's apartment]
(There's a knock on Mike's door, he opens it)
Ross: Hey, Mike. Uh, sorry to just drop by like this, can I come in?
Mike: Sure. Who are you?
Ross: I'm-I'm Ross, Phoebe's friend from-from the coffeehouse.
Mike: Right, yeah.
Ross: Yeah, I really, really need to talk to you about something.
Mike: Okay, unless... You're not gonna try to get me to join a cult are you?
Ross: (laughs) No!
Mike: Oh. Nah, it's just you have that look.
Ross: Damn Super Cuts!
Mike: What's up? Is Phoebe okay?
Ross: No, yeah, yeah, no. Oh, Phoebe is great, but, umm... I'm an idiot, okay? Look, right before you guys went out I, I accidentally got her all upset.
Mike: That's why she was weird.
Ross: Yes, yeah. I, uh, yeah, I-I said something stupid about her never having had a serious relationship, but you should know she is so much fun, a-a wonderful person, please don't blow her off.
Mike: Oh, I'm not gonna blow her off. I actually just got off the phone with her, we're going out tomorrow night. I mean, I hope that's ok with you, stranger from the coffeehouse.
Ross: No, yes. It's-It's great. I... so the crying didn't turn you off?
Mike Ah, look, Ross, I just got out of a nine-year relationship with a manic-depressive. Compared to that, Phoebe's a Mouseketeer.
Ross: Well then, I-I didn't need to bother you. Um, you, or the, uh, four other Mike Hanigan's I bothered. One of whom was quite large, and-and a little flirty. So....
Mike: Hey, wait-wait-wait-wait! Is that true what you said? Phoebe's never had a serious relationship?
Ross: Of course she has. If she's never had a serious relationship do you think I'd go round broadcasting it like some kind of... unstoppable moron?
Mike: But you did say it.
Ross: Yes, yes I did. And I will also say what I'm about to say, vis-à-vis the following: Phoebe has never had a serious relationship... since... her super-serious relationship with... Vikram.
Mike: Vikram?
Ross: What? That's a real name!
[Scene: Chandler arrives at his room at the Hyatt, after work.]
Chandler: (enters, singing) ...Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plane! Stop it! Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas? (Checks watch). Seven o'clock. Maybe I'll hit the gym. (Sits down.) Oh, who am I kidding. Pay-per-view porn! (Turns on TV.)
(The scene cuts to Monica who is coming up the hall to his room. She fixes a crooked photo hanging on the wall, then sprays mint in her mouth and starts to open the door.)
Chandler: Do not disturb! Do not disturb! (As he fumbles with the remote to change what's playing.)
Monica: Surprise!
Chandler: Monica!?
Monica: Is everything all right?
Chandler: Yeah, everything's great. I was just, uh, watching some regular television there. Ah, what a pleasant surprise!
(Monica hugs Chandler. She has realized what he was doing, so looks at the TV and sees sharks swimming around, and is shocked.)
Monica: I'm gonna go freshen up, okay?
Chandler: Okay, honey. (Monica walks to the other room.) (To himself) Oof, that was close. (Singing again:) Oh, the yellow rose of Texas... You're not even there!
(Cut to Rachel, whose phone is ringing.)
Rachel: Hello?
Monica: Hey, Rach its me.
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: Okay, I just got the Chandler's room and I caught him... molesting himself.
Rachel: Oh, that couldn't have been pretty. But, you know, guys do that.
Monica: Yeah, uh, well the weird part is... he was getting off to a shark attack show!
Rachel: Noooo!
Monica: Yes! Chandler Watches Shark Porn!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Much later, Rachel and Monica are both at their apartment in NYC.]
Rachel: While watching sharks? Are you sure that's what he was doing?
Monica: Do you know how many times I've seen him jump up like that? Believe me, I know what he was doing.
Rachel: Man! Sharks! I always knew there was something weird about that dude. But you promised to love him no matter what!
Monica: "What" means if, like, he gets a disease or kills someone. Not if he gets his jollies to Jaws.
Rachel: Ugh! You know what though, honey, guys are just different. They like things that we can't understand. You know, I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend that he was an archeologist and I was this naughty cave woman who he unfroze from a block of ice.
Monica: Ew! Are-are you talking about my brother?
Rachel: Yeah, I didn't disguise that very well did I.
Joey: (enters) Hey!
Rachel: Hi.
Joey: Listen to this: I went out with this girl last night. Half way through our date I realize I already slept with her!
Rachel: So, basically, you've slept with all the woman in New York and now you're just going around again?
Joey: Well, but that's not even the weird part. I don't think she remembered sleeping with me!
Monica: But you don't remember sleeping with her.
Joey: Yeah, but she should remember sleeping with me! I am very memorable! You guys know.
Rachel: What? How do we know? We've never slept with you.
Joey: And whose fault is that?
Monica: What's the big deal? You forgot, she forgot. Maybe you were having an off night.
Joey: Hey! I never have an off night! Okay? Although, sometimes, if I'm a little bloated, I don't feel that sexy. But even then I'm better than most!
Monica: Honey, why don't you just let it go and ask her out again?
Rachel: Yeah! You're both so slutty you don't even remember who you slept with! You're made for each other!
Joey: Hm, interesting. All right, well, I'll go out with her again and I'll try to get past it. (Reaches for the potato chips) No, salt! Bloaty!
Monica: Joey? Joey.
Joey: What?
Monica: You don't think sharks are sexy, do you?
Joey: No. (Pause) Wait a minute, wait. What was the Little Mermaid?
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is a knock at the door.]
Phoebe: It's open!
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey! Mike called! We're going out again! Yay! Yay! (She dances around with happiness.)
Ross: Yay! Quick thing: Um, I went to talk to Mike.
Phoebe: What? Wha-what did you... what did you do, Ross?
Ross: Oh, boy! You got mad at that part. I-I went over there, you know, to-to tell him how great you are but... well, you-you know me, blah, blah, blah, and I-I ended up telling him, um, that...
Phoebe: What?!
Ross: Um, you had a six-year long relationship with a guy named Vikram.
Phoebe: What? Why?
Ross: Well, he seemed to bum hard when I told him that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe: If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!
Ross: Well, Phoebe, I think you'll feel differently when you know a little bit about Vikram. Okay, he's a kite designer (he makes a wow face) and he used to date Oprah. (He makes another wow face.)
Phoebe: I'm not going along with some lie you made up, Ross. No, I'm just... I'm just gonna be honest with him.
Ross: Good! Yeah, just-just be honest with him.
Phoebe: Yeah, I have nothing to be ashamed of! Okay, so, all right, I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer than a month. Okay, I-I haven't had a real boyfriend. You know, if he can't handle it then he can leave. Which he will. And, you know, that's o... okay, so I'll just be alone forever. You know, alright, it'll be... it'll be fine. It'll be fine. I'll go.. I'll go on walking tours with widows and lesbians. Oh! (Takes a deep breath and sits down.)
(There's a knock at the door)
Ross: I'll get it
Phoebe: Okay.
(Ross opens door)
Mike: You know, I'm trying to remember the last time I opened a door and you weren't there. Phoebe, are you okay?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. There's just, um, there's something you should know. Vikram just called.
[Scene: Joey is back at Hayley's place]
Hayley: So it was really a shock after 25 years of marriage. My parents, a perfect couple, getting divorced. I kinda took it the hardest cause I was the youngest.
Joey: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, sure, yeah. How can you not remember me?
Hayley: What?
Joey: How could you not remember that we slept together?
Hayley: What! When?
Joey: I dunno!
Hayley: I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you
Joey: Come on, come on. Search your brain, all right? It was... a certain amount of time ago. I was here, you were here, we had sex here, here, here, not there. Anything?
Hayley: No, it's not ringing any bells.
Joey: My God, woman! How many people do you have to have been with not to remember any of this?
Hayley's roommate: (Entering.) Hey, Hayley, we've really gotta fix that doorknob. (Looks over.) Joey?!
Joey: Oooooooh, I slept with you! And you obviously remember me! Hey! I still got it. (Turns back to Hayley) So we're good. (She glares at him.) I'll let myself out.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, she's talking with Mike.]
Phoebe: And I-I said, "Okay, Vikram, you can't just call every time you get lonely, you know, you-you-you gave up that right when you slept with Rachel.
Mike: Wait, Rachel? I thought she just had a baby with Ross.
Phoebe: Yeah, well... Yeah, you know, but Emma's birth certificate might say Geller, but her eyes say Mukherjee.
Mike: That is so wrong. And on top of that he's a glue sniffer?
Phoebe: I know. But he calls and my heart goes to him. You know, that bastard is one smooth talking freelance kite designer.
Mike: If you want, you know, I'll mess him up for you.
Phoebe: You would do that?
Mike: Yeah. Unless he's big. I mean, If he's really big, I'll send him a rude letter. I just... I think there's somebody better out there for you. I mean, I, uh, I'm not saying me but.... Maybe me?
Phoebe: Oh.
Mike: And you don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me! Although, I do smell the occasional Magic Marker. Yeah, uh, anyway, I just... I think I can make you happy.
Phoebe: Hmm. Okay, I can't do this.
Mike: What's wrong?
Phoebe: Well, there is no Vikram, Ross made him up. Because I-I... I really never have been in a long-term relationship. I've never... I've never lived with a guy. I've never even celebrated an anniversary. So... you know, if that's... if that's too weird for you and-and you wanna leave, I totally understand. In fact, I'll-I'll close my eyes to make it less awkward. (She sits with her eyes closed and Mike kisses her, Phoebe opens her eyes and like a little child says:) You kissed me.
Mike: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: So you don't think I'm a total freak!
Mike: No. Well... Look, can I... can I think you're a little weird, and also cool for telling me the truth, and also wanna kiss you?
Phoebe: I guess so. Can I... can I think it's cool that you kissed me and also wanna kiss you again? And, um, be a little concerned about the Magic Markers?
Mike: Oh, definitely.
(They kiss. The phone rings and the machine picks it up.)
Ross: This is Vikram. I need to talk to you about the long-term relationship we had. Call me. I'm in my kite-making studio.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler arrives.]
Chandler: Hi, honey, I'm home!
Monica: Hi! How was your flight? (She hugs him)
Chandler: Oh, it was great. I ordered a pool float from the Sky Mall. Why'd I do that?
Monica: Why don't you sit down. Get yourself comfortable. Because I have a little... (Monica shows him the video tape) surprise for you. (She puts it in the VCR).
Chandler: Well, well, well. It must be five in Tulsa because it's sex o'clock in NYC!
Monica: Okay, this is how much I love you. (She presses play then puts her arm around Chandler's neck. A shark video starts playing.)
Chandler: Honey? Why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around?
Monica: Oh, is this... is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast forward to something... toothier?
Chandler: No. I-I'm just not sure that you... you got the right movie, that's all.
Monica: Oh. This is the only one they had at our video store. Oh, but they did have something called Crocodile Killers. Or does it always have to be sharks?
Chandler: Does what always have to be sharks?
Monica: Honey, look, look, we can do something else. Do-do you want me to get into the tub and... thrash?
Chandler: What's going on?
Monica: Sweetie, it's ok. It's okay, I still love you. Let me be a part of this.
Chandler: Let ME be a part of this!
Monica: I saw what you were doing in Tulsa. Angry sharks turn you on!
Chandler: No, they don't.
Monica: Then why were you watching them and giving yourself a treat?
Chandler: Oh, my God! When you came in I switched the channel. I was just watching regular porn!
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah, just some good, old-fashioned, American, girl-on-girl action!
Monica: Can I tell you how happy that makes me! (They hug)
Chandler: You are an amazing wife. No, really. You are amazing. I mean, you were actually gonna do this for me? I mean, where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that.
Monica: I'm very, very drunk right now.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Phoebe is in Central Perk with Joey]
Joey: (Looks at a girl walking by) So, ordinarily, I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken. Did I sleep with her? Did I not sleep with her?
Phoebe: You know, maybe this is a wake up call. You know, about your... about your whole dating attitude. You're in your 30s and you have never been in a long-term relationship. Here you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience, never even worrying that it doesn't turn into something more serious.
Joey: You're right! I love my life! (He gets up to go and speak to the girl,then he turns back and sits down.) I actually did sleep with her.
End